AN EMPTY CUP

They say you can’t pour from an empty cup and I’ll be honest, my cup has been bone dry and crumbling for a while. With everything going on the world right now, things feel heavier than ever and while I am SO GRATEFUL for everything and everyone in my life right now, I have been struggling to show up for my friends, family, and even myself so far this year.

I know, I know, on the social media surface it may look like everything is all Sunshine around here but I’ve always made a point of keeping everything on my business account centred around Hello Sunshine and what makes it tick - i.e. the actual Sunshine and all the happy things that keep me going!

My personal account, since I set it up a fair few years back now, was to carry on a small project I started for myself after my Grandad passed away. As it says in the bio, it’s a ‘visual diary of everyday happies’, something to remind me to look for daily positives even when you feel like you’re at rock bottom. It’s purely selfish and it actually helps. From time to time, I like to think it makes others smile too.

However, it’s not a full picture of my life and I’m very aware of how toxic these highlight reels can be for others. But then again, I’m also not about to start sharing my personal shitstorms publicly either - I can’t even find a way to talk to the people closest to me about what I struggle with!

So while I’ve still been sharing lots of happy, positive vibes on social media - which are all genuine moments by the way - some of the things I’ve experienced so far this year, on a more personal level, have meant I’ve not been or felt like my usual ‘Sunshine Jo’ self for some time now and I really hate it.

I don’t know about anyone else trying to show up online (or even IRL) for their business and themselves but it’s REALLY tough to strike a balance without feeling like a complete fraud sometimes. My brain is telling me that people don’t want to spend time with Little Miss Sunshine when she’s a messy raincloud too. And I have been a fucking thunderstorm at certain points this year.

A BIG thank you to the wonderful beans who have ever been unlucky enough to get caught in one of my snot filled storms or have just been around me when I’m more of a little black rain cloud - It’s a damn shame I’m not as cute as Winnie the Pooh and his balloon!

People experience set backs, struggles and awful things every damn day, I know that and crikey, I realise it could be SO much worse. But when I’m in a low place, these set backs are what keep me from being there for others and instead of turning to my friends when I need them, I turn to comfort food and wine in the evenings to distract myself.

I am incredibly thankful that I can get up each day and crack on with things - wolf walks, cat cuddles, work out sessions, running my business, getting out for paddles, trying to embrace last minute changes and take mini day trips. But I have been doing it all with a heavy heart and often foggy head after drinking the night before. On top of that I feel so guilty about trying to do things to fill my own cup so that I can try and bounce back.

Maybe I’m overthinking it all and I should just do what I need to each day and trust that those around me understand and will still be there for me when I’ve pulled myself back together. I’m just scared of hurting, upsetting and losing people in the process, especially if I don’t realise I’m doing it when I’m so focussed on just trying to get through each day without crying or just wanting to hide away.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say right now, why I’m even considering sharing this, but typing things out is helping right now. Maybe I’m trying to justify the reasons I feel like a shit person to be around. Maybe I’m trying to rationalise some of my self-destructive behaviours of late. Getting this out of my head and on ‘paper’ though, I realise I have been feeling quite lost, alone and like a burden to others lately and something needs to change.

Seeing as this started on the theme of cups, it seems a fitting point to talk about the fact I’ve signed up to #SoberSpring. I’ve been drinking far too much and a couple of glasses of wine in the eve is becoming a habit, something I am using for comfort and as a distraction so I don’t have to think about the shit I need to/should.

Some nights I can finish a bottle and not really feel it the next day - that is NOT GOOD nor is it something I want to continue. Habits are hard to break though and while I shouldn’t need a challenge to inspire me to stop, I have recognised that I need it. I also need to tell people for accountability and to hopefully encourage others to support and not tempt me … as I am ashamed to admit I am VERY easily led!

I’ve done AF challenges before and I have loved finding new drinks and experiencing how I’ve felt during them but I ALWAYS slip back into the habit of drinking at home or give in to peer pressure and end up drinking more regularly than I want to again. I’ve been seriously considering giving up booze permanently because moderation doesn’t seem to work for me, so I guess we’ll see how these next 3 months go!

In doing the challenge, I’m hoping to free up some of that precious brain space to then be able to face into some of my struggles more proactively and bounce back to my sunny self again. I owe it to myself and those around me. I want people to see the genuine smile behind my eyes again as well as the cheesy grin I wear day to day. I want to be there for my friends and family again - in mind and body as well as in spirit and online!

Wow. This is all quite heavy isn’t it? I came on here to write a quick blog post, to catch up on some work related things, maybe chat about the studio move, some of the lovely day trips, paddles and mini adventures I’ve been on so far this year but it turns out a cathartic keyboard bashing session was needed! If you hadn’t already gathered I’m writing this when I’m feeling pretty damn low - the lowest I’ve been for some time. I know why I’m at this point, I know it will pass and I know what I need to do to drag myself out of it.

Normally I wouldn’t post something like this (god knows I’ve written a million things like this to myself in the past and just deleted them!) BUT in the hope that this ramble actually helps someone else feeling in a similar mood-trap or facing any struggles lately, I’m going to hit publish. And hey, maybe this helps balance out the highlight reel. More importantly though, I hope this helps anyone else who see’s themselves as a positive person who also struggles to share and cope with their less-than-sunny feelings. We are only human, and as much as I beat myself up about not being Little Miss Sunshine all the time, I’m well aware that’s not healthy, not possible, and not necessary.

Anyway… Thank you so much for reading, you lovely people! Please enjoy this happy little wolf face and big kiss/lick as I sign off… and look after yourselves!
☀️