Me Myself and I

vibing

I didn’t tell many people I was coming out to Bali. A few close mates, the obvious who’d notice (boyfriend, cat, the gym I attempt to haunt) - that was it. It felt odd not broadcasting it. I’m usually the person up for anything, happy to go with anyone who’s game. This trip was different though. 

This time was for me to hang out with the person I like the least: myself.

Which is weird, because I love alone time. I adore the headspace - the daydreams, the hobbies, the work, the food, the planning. All the things. But therapy and time away have revealed a crap truth: I don’t always like being with myself. I’m scared of my loudest thoughts - the ones that tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m a bad person for choosing myself. 

broken record

I know I’ve mentioned this before - the self-loathing, the lack of confidence, the general feeling that I’m a bit rubbish - but it felt worth shining a bit of light on it all, rather than let those hit-and-run horrible thoughts swoop in, bitch-slap me and piss off again. Not this time. I’m learning to lean into them instead. To sit with the noise, name them, call them out, remind myself: these are thoughts, not facts. OK, some facts are facts - I’m heavier, slower and not always my sharpest - but I’m also a whole lot more than that. So why the hell do I only focus on the shit?

Back home, I distracted, punished, sabotaged - anything to avoid facing what was going on in my head. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do shame, guilt and fear feel like my default setting? WTF is wrong with me?

From the outside it might look like I’m living my best life. And sometimes I genuinely am. But underneath I’ve spent years not believing I deserve it. Instead of celebrating what I’ve done, (which I used to be quite good at), I’ve been busy punishing myself - ignoring that my body and brain have been through a lot and then putting them both through more by drinking, eating and avoiding looking after myself properly.

So, yeah, this post is to highlight what I’m doing about it - in a positive way. I’m out here practising. I stretch. I cry. I nap. I shit myself - that one definitely wasn’t on the itinerary!). I cry some more. I nap again. I try to let the thoughts pass. It’s messy and bloody brilliant at the same time. Little by little I’m learning to vibe with myself rather than run from her. It’s a messy little dance but we’re getting there.

It’s also to say that if you’ve felt in the same kind of muddle - hey, you’re not alone, even when you want or need to be and I hope this little bit of word vomit helped.

Look after yourselves

💛