Fucking Off + Feeling Grateful
So, I’m back in Bali, writing this blog post while sitting by the pool with a wholesome breakfast by my side.
Sounds idyllic, right? I know what you’re thinking: “She’s living the dream!” But before you start calling me a privileged wanker, (which I totally accept I am!), let me share a little behind the scenes to the highlight reel. Yes, I wanted to run away and no, I couldn’t afford it but like almost every adventure/holiday I’ve taken in life I bust out the credit card!
It was more of a rebellious, "fuck it" moment because after the shitstorm I feel like I’ve been riding for the past year or so, I wanted to do something entirely for myself.
I haven’t talked about it all that much because, well, not only is it hard it’s nobody’s business really! But during the past 12 or so months, I’ve separated from my husband, moved from Cambridge to a tiny village in Leicestershire, left behind my dog (don’t worry, she’s in good hands), left my home, my studio, and my friends down there, and have tried to hit restart on my life.
It’s been A LOT.
I’ve put on weight, decided to go back on antidepressants, and got far too cozy with the wine witch in the evenings again - cheers to numbing feelings! As a result of all this and more, my business and my physical and mental health took a hit.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been bumbling through and trying to look on the bright side but it’s only now I’ve stopped and looked back, I realise just how much has happened and why I feel like I just want to curl up and disappear most days.
Sorry, that’s a bit deep isn’t it? #ThatsWhatSheSaid
Anyway, when I was planning my summer and realised just how many festivals (and in close proximity to each other) I’d commuted to, I thought I’d better plan in some down time after them all. I saw a gap in my work calendar, almost a month between my last festival and next wedding/portrait booking and I thought, “What the hell! Why don’t I take that entire time to fuck off somewhere to rescharge and also plan for the festive season?! I mean what’s one more leap into the unknown?”
And now I’m here.
It’s become so much more than an escape though. It’s about reclaiming my sanity, embracing the highs, and dealing with the lows. Sure, I feel like a selfish c-word (not *that* c-word... yet – but brace yourselves, Christmas is coming). But maybe, just maybe, being a selfish cunt is exactly what I need.
If you’re a people pleaser like me, putting yourself first can feel like the ultimate act of rebellion. But sometimes, you have to fuck off to Bali for a month to truly look after yourself. And not a moment passes that I don’t feel overwhelmingly grateful that I can do this - to continue to work on my business AND soak up the sun, practice yoga, eat all the wholesome foods and spend time to myself is a real luxury!
I don’t know what I expected when I started this brain dump. I wanted it to be more than just the highlights of the trip because I’m conscious of how wanky and frivolous it can come across. I hope the previous waffle sets a bit more of a realistic scene ahead of all the incredibly good shit I’m about to tell you about…
So here’s a wee insight into what I’m embracing while I’m here:
Daily yoga
From hanging upside down in aerial classes to takibg it slow and sometimes crying in restoreatuve and sound healing classes.
saying no to booze
Yup, I’m back on that bullshit again. The craving for a cold beer is real, but I’m resisting! So far, I’ve had 12 out of 14 days without a drink and when I have had that cold beer or glass of rose, it’s been considered and in moderation - how very grown up of me!
zycle
what? Imagine spin but on steriods - the class not me just to be clear! Almost daily classes started as a desperate hope to lose some of the kilo’s I’ve collected since last Summer but has turned into a slight obsession!
being gentle with myself
Less self-criticism, more self-love. I am so horrible to myself, I’m trying to be kinder.
breakfast
I know, sounds stupid but I’m usually a cereal breakfast skipper (sorry, can’t resist a pun!), but not here! I’ve been embracing the full vegan buffet options here and they might be bonkers but they’re so wholesome and set me up perfectly for the day ahead!
Working (sometimes napping) in the shade
Being able to do all of the admin that I often put off (because who wants to sit at a laptop when you can paint pets or play with your beaver 😬) has been so much easier to tackle by a pool on a sunlounger or tucked away on a poolside bed!
Etsy listings, Squarespace maintenance, Christmas product planning, Accounts, Blogging(!), Events planning, Social media scheduling, Calendar shuffling and life shit - I’m smashing the absolute shit out of them all!
massages
I’m not big into people touching me, well unless your my people and then I love the hugs and whatnot, but generally I’m very much a ‘get the fuck out of my personal space’ kind of gal. So massages have always been an idea I’m not comfortable with… until I had a back massage here and now I might be obsessed.
Still not brave enough to go ‘full body’ but who knows, there’s still time!
alone time
SO. MUCH. ALONE. TIME. Sure, I could make friends here and chat idly to others but honestly, I’m trying to be better in my own company (figure out my thoughts, how I speak to myself and generally trying to find some comfort in my own skin. It’s not like I’m ignoring anyone, I still greet anyone I meet with a genuine smile (cheesy grin) and am never rude but I’m enjoying keeping myself to myself.
As I mentioned above, I’m working just as hard as chilling out here. In fact, I’m probably more productive day to day right now than I’ve been in months. Maybe because I’ve shifted my priority to my mental and physical health with the work to do list fitting around that second.
Sometimes, that looks like working poolside in the morning, spin in the afternoon and a sunset swim, other times it might be three yoga classes, an hours work and a 7:30 pm bedtime.
Is it hard being away from home, friends, and family? Hell yes. When is it not rough being away from loved ones!?
And don’t even get me started on missing my furry besties, especially when little Princess Pegs gave me a heart attack by taking a turn for the worse a couple of days after I arrived. Thankfully, after some spa days at the vet, she’s back to her beautiful, diva self and doing much better!
But I keep reminding myself that this trip is about showing up for myself so that when I return, I can show up as the best version of me for everyone else. That’s the plan anyway, I just hope Little Miss Self-Sabotage Jo doesn’t try to fuck it all up!
I know I’m lucky to be able to do this, and I feel guilty as fuck about it sometimes. But honestly? Sometimes in life, you’ve got to do you, be a bit selfish and take those daft risks that might just pay off in the end.
Now, excuse me while I get back to being an upside-down yoga twat, dodging cute doggos on the beach, and tuck into another ‘Green Goddess Salad Bowl’, like the digital nomad wanker I apparently am now!
Namaste Bitches
(please don't hate me too much!)
🕉