When Everything Feels Too Much
I'm not sure if this is blog fodder but it feels important to get it all out of my head. Even if nobody actually reads my waffle here, having something to come back to — a reminder that this isn’t just me ‘failing at life’ but rather that fact I'm carrying a lot — can be grounding. So here’s something I plan to revisit when I need to most... which might be every fucking day at the moment!
Some days, it feels like I’m stuck in quicksand. I know what I should be doing - getting up, getting dressed, going to the gym, working on my business - but instead, I’m just… here. Festering. Wasting time. Watching life move forward without me while I sit in my PJs, feeling guilty and frustrated and a little bit lost.
I tell myself I should be better than this. That other people manage to get up and get on with things, so why can’t I?
It’s no wonder I feel like this though…
My divorce has been dragging on for over a year, draining my energy, finances, and sense of stability.
My debts have crept up, and I just want to clear them and feel like I can breathe again.
I miss Rei so much, but every time I see her, it’s complicated - stressful for the cats, at the house, for me. And going back to Cambridge is a painful reminder of everything I miss.
I miss my Cambridge life in a big way. My gym buddies, the cycling, the river, the big walks with Rei, the food, the social life. My life now feels quieter, smaller, and sometimes lonely.
Pegs is slowing down, she’s not well but curling up with me more, which I love - but it also keeps me still.
I feel like I’m letting people down - my friends, my family - because I don’t have the energy to show up for them like I want to.
I’ve slipped back into drinking more, even though I know it makes everything worse.
I’m avoiding gym classes at my lowest points, even though I know I’ll feel better for going. I feel like I’m sabotaging myself because I’m scared of failing.
My body has been giving me grief - pulled muscles, brutal period pain, hormonal chaos. I’ve spoken to the doctor, they reassured me, but it still shook me.
I’m sleeping so much, avoiding work, procrastinating even on things I want to do. I love my business, and I have exciting things lined up, but I can’t seem to focus.
And through all of this, I keep telling myself I should just get on with things like a ‘normal’ person. But I also know I’m not being fair to myself.
The Truth I Need to Hold On To…
This isn’t me failing. This is me navigating a difficult, draining chapter of my life. I will come out the other side, even if I don’t know how yet.
I don’t have to fix everything at once. Small wins matter. Getting dressed, moving my body, sending one message to a friend - all of it counts.
Drinking makes things worse. I don’t need to punish myself for slipping up, but I do need to break the cycle again.
I am still me. Even if I feel like a shadow of my old self, she’s not gone. She’s just waiting for me to start showing up for her again.
I have done hard things before. I’ve built a life I love. I’ve moved cities. I’ve started a business. I’ve gotten fit and strong before.
Most importantly I need to remember, I am worthy of the life I want and…
I can do hard things again.
Thank you, if you're here reading and if the weight of life feels too heavy for you right now, I hope you find some comfort in knowing you're not alone.
We don’t have to get everything right today. But we can take a step forward.
💛
