Facing into Myself

Since starting therapy back in spring, and especially since landing in Bali, I’ve been peeling back layers I’ve avoided for a long time. As cliché as it sounds, my trip this time isn’t just about sunshine, rice fields, and poolside working - it’s about slowing down enough to face myself. And some days, that feels like the hardest work I’ve ever done.

A few weeks ago, I came across a line that hit me like a punch to the face (words seem to be doing that a lot lately!):

“A person’s capacity for growth is directly linked to how much truth they can face about themselves without running away.”

It landed because I realised (and have known deep down for a while) that I’ve been running - not literally. Since leaving my marriage, in the shadows and behind the Sunshine scenes, I’ve been numbing, distracting, creating excuses -and then punishing myself by labelling myself lazy, weak, greedy, or useless.

But the truth I’m slowly allowing myself to lean into here in Bali is this: none of that makes me a bad person. It just makes me human.

The truths I need to face

1. Leaving my marriage doesn’t make me selfish.
I carry so much guilt and shame for choosing myself. But the truth is: it was an act of courage. It wasn’t just for me. It doesn’t make me bad—it makes me human. My gut has always told me this, but I’ve never let myself believe it.

2. Avoidance has been my comfort blanket.
Drinking, arranging trips, sabotaging routines, running away to Bali, blaming the lack of routine - they’re not proof I’m lazy. They’re signs I’m scared. Avoidance feels safer than facing uncertainty and responsibility, especially when it comes to the big feelings I carry about myself.

3. I crave structure, but I resist it.
I miss the routine that came with responsibility (like walking a dog), but I’m also scared it will feel like being trapped again. Both freedom and responsibility matter to me - what I need is balance, not extremes.

4. I sabotage myself because part of me doesn’t believe I deserve happiness.
Drinking, overeating, avoiding the gym - it isn’t weakness, it’s fear. A part of me doesn’t trust that I’m allowed joy or peace, so I block myself before I can “fail.” All those times I’ve asked WTF is wrong with me, it never occurred to me it might just be fear.

5. I’m scared of sitting still with my feelings.
When I stop, guilt and shame flood in. That’s why I run, numb, or escape. But here in Bali I’m giving myself the space to recognise, embrace, and accept that I can’t heal what I won’t feel.

Reframing the critic in my head

My god, she’s a noisy bitch. Quite often a nasty piece of work too. For years I’ve let her beat me down, soak up her insults, and believe every negative thought she threw my way. Another excuse to drink, distract, eat nice things, and try to shut her out.

But here’s what I’m learning: I need to listen - not to believe her, but to separate that cruel voice from the true Jo. The happy, sunshine-y Jo I know is still in here somewhere.

During yin yoga especially (where you’re already in mild physical discomfort), I’ve been trying to observe those thoughts and let them go. There’s been a lot of crying, because I never realised how nasty I am to myself. And I find it so hard to hold on to the positives I owe my body and mind.

A few reframes I’m practising:

Instead of: “I drink because I’m weak.”
Truth: “I drink because I’m hurting, and I don’t yet trust myself to sit with the pain sober.”

Instead of: “I eat because I’m greedy.”
Truth: “I eat for comfort because I haven’t built gentler ways of soothing myself yet.”

Instead of: “I don’t exercise because I’m useless.”
Truth: “I avoid exercise because I fear being judged or not keeping up—even though I know I love how it makes me feel.”

Instead of: “I’m fat because I’m lazy.”
Truth: “I’ve been protecting myself from responsibility and uncertainty—but I can choose differently.”

What I need to hold onto

Self-sabotage isn’t proof that I’m broken.
It’s just the way I’ve been protecting myself from feelings I thought I couldn’t handle.
Facing the truth doesn’t destroy me - it frees me.
I am already a good person who deserves happiness, even if I don’t fully believe it yet.

I hope it goes without saying that alongside all this, I’m deeply grateful for the good in my life and I recognise it daily. But focusing only on the glimmers isn’t always enough - not without honestly facing the gremlins for what they are.

The laughter, care, and happiness I share with people close to me - especially in my relationship, and with friends who’ve shown up in quiet, steady ways - don’t erase the work I need to do. But they make the weight of it lighter. I know how lucky I am to have love and joy alongside the fear and healing.

So yeah, in a nutsack: this is the work I came to Bali to do. Not to fix myself overnight, but to slowly learn to believe that I’m not a bad person - and that I do deserve a healthy, happy life and good things.