nothing changes if nothing changes

ONE WEEK until my birthday. A whole year on, and I’m still battling some of the same gremlins — but this time, I’ve got a more solid action plan and better support in place. HUZZAH! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying — really trying — for what feels like forever. But I’ve also been sabotaging myself.

It’s been 18 months of telling myself, this time will be different.
This time I’ll get back into a healthy routine.
This time I’ll shift the weight, feel good in my skin again, stop spiralling every time I see a photo of myself.

But here I am, heavier than ever. Ashamed. Frustrated. Wondering why I even bother. Except… I do know why this is happening.

I’ve been eating and drinking over my maintenance calories more days than not. And no matter how much I train — and believe me, I do still train — I can’t outrun my own biology. It’s not about willpower. Or effort. It’s about what I’m asking from my body versus what I’m fuelling it with.

I’m not lazy. I go to Pilates. I run. I lift. I’ve done Hyrox… twice. I’m not clueless, either — I understand food, macros, calorie balance. I’ve read all the things. But I’m tired.

Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Every time I throw myself into a new plan, I end up overwhelmed or burnt out. Then it’s straight back to “fuck it” mode — pouring another glass, snacking past bedtime, avoiding the mirror, and promising I’ll start again Monday.

There’s so much pressure to be consistent, to be disciplined, to get it right. But how can I build consistency when I’m still healing? Still navigating grief, life changes, and an entirely different version of myself? Is weight loss even the goal right now? Maybe the real goal is just… showing up. Gently. Honestly. Without shame. Maybe if I keep reminding myself of that, it’ll sink in. It’ll stick. And things will shift in a better direction.

All of this feels pretty timely — my Mantra for May is Mastering. So I’m trying my hand at focusing on mastering my Nutrition, Hydration, and Commitment to myself. Because like the subtitle says: Nothing changes if nothing changes. But change doesn’t have to mean everything all at once. It can be one thing at a time. One week at a time.

Over the last 18 months, I tipped the scale from being able to eat and drink what I wanted while still feeling good — and I haven’t been able to turn that back around. I know why (see previous post), and when I’m not stuck in the self-hate cave, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.